Sarah Hucka-bee at one of her White House press briefings.
Sarah Hucka-bee was gracious enough to meet with me yesterday at the Meow York Times headquarters to grant us an exclusive interview.
Hammity: Hi Sarah, thank you for giving Meow York Times an exclusive interview. We understand you’re as busy as, excuse the pun, a bee.
Hucka-bee: Bee puns sting.
Hammity: Sorry I couldn’t resist. Let’s get down to buzzness. From my observation, your press briefings can sometimes get a bit hostile with members of the press. Do you feel the same way?
Hucka-bee: Yes definitely. I don’t want to generalize the swarm but all I see are a lot of angry faces. Their sole purpose is to find gotcha moments instead of obeediently accepting my briefings as alternative fact. It’s never a good thing when the media questions the queen bee.
Hammity: Have these years as the press secretary been a challenge?
Hucka-bee: For sure. But my strong beelief in our Lord helps me get through every day. The bible says to pray for my enemies and I do that beegrudgingly.
Hammity: Speaking of your faith, we understand that you beelieve that God has a role for all of us.
Hucka-bee: God calls all of us to fill different roles at different times and that’s why He wanted Trump to become Purr-resident. It’s the only reason why he’s Purr-resident and not Hillary Kitten. I mean if God didn’t want him to be Purr-resident, then why is he Purr-resident. That’s the only explanation it can be right?
Hammity: Unbeelievably sound logic. Thank you Sarah for your time. Final question, what is 2 plus 2 equal to?
Hucka-bee: What kind of silly question is that?
I thanked Sarah again for her time as she gathered her belongings and headed towards the exit. As she was about to leave the room, she turns around and says “5”. She gives us a wink then buzzes off out of the room.
Update 2019 June 17: Since we last met with Sarah Hucka-bee, Trump has announced that Hucka-bee will be leaving the White House at the end of the month. While Hucka-bee has been unreachable since our interview, we were able to get a hold of a White House representative.
Hammity: Just after our interview with Sarah Hucka-bee, the Purr-resident shortly announced her departure at the end of the month. Is this performance related?
WH: No not at all. Sarah has been unbeelievably fantastic at her job. As the Purr-resident has stated, she’s tough and fiercely loyal to him. Her second nature of falsifying fact and turning them to alternative fact will be sorely missed.
Hammity: We noticed that there were no replacements announced. Is there anyone close to being the one?
WH: We had a leading candidate who did well during a practice press briefing where the candidate was both misinformative and vague in his answers. The biggest problem though arose in his poker tell. His demeanor changed drastically whenever he did have to falsify a fact, so the entire press briefing he was giggling like a school girl.
Hammity: The liberals would freak out at your last statement.
WH: Sorry I meant school children.
Hammity: Well thank you for your time. We all know Sarah Hucka-bee’s talents are going to be hard to replace. I wish the administration good luck in finding another one.
WH: Thank you Sean.