Mule-er Totally Exonerates the Purr-resident

By Sean Potluck Hammity
Thu Apr 04 2019
The special counsel has concluded that the Purr-resident's campaign and anyone associated with it, did not conspire or coordinate with the Russian government.
The special counsel has concluded that the Purr-resident's campaign and anyone associated with it, did not conspire or coordinate with the Russian government.
A-meow-icans can rejoice. The special counsel has concluded that the Purr-resident's campaign and anyone associated with it, did not conspire or coordinate with the Russian government. The Purr-resident's team was relieved to find the favorable ruling despite weeks of calling the special counsel a "witch hunt".
In the second part of the report, Robert Mule-er states that "while this report does not conclude that the Purr-resident committed a crime, it also does not exonerate him." Anyone who can partially read can safely conclude that the Purr-resident is completely and totally EXONERATED. In reality, Robert Mule-er left it up to the Attorney General to decide whether the Purr-resident obstructed justice. And seeing how the Purr-resident appointed the AG, there's no way there could be any bias in the decision making right? Quid prop quo, Clarice. Quid prop quo.

In Other News

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By Rachel Mad-doe
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Purr-resident Trump struggling to force the umbrella through the doors. Circle peg rectangle hole?
Purr-resident Trump struggling to force the umbrella through the doors. Circle peg rectangle hole?

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Sarah Hucka-bee at one of her White House press briefings.
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*LEAKED VIDEO CLIP* Trump Caught Farting in Public

Purr-resident Trump caught publicly releasing a fart during a press conference with the DOE. Meow York Times was able to capture this historic moment and release the video clip.
2
By Rachel Mad-doe
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Trump caught releasing freedom gas of his own.
Trump caught releasing freedom gas of his own.

Mule-er makes his first and only public statement! CASE CLOSED!

On Wednesday, Mule-er made his first public comments on the special counsel's investigation. The biggest take-away was when Mule-er says "If we had confidence that the Purr-resident clearly did not commit a crime, we would have said so."
By Sean Potluck Hammity
Mon Jun 03 2019
"Nothing changes from the Mule-er Report. There was insufficient evidence and therefore, in our Country, a person is innocent. The case is close! Thank you."
"Nothing changes from the Mule-er Report. There was insufficient evidence and therefore, in our Country, a person is innocent. The case is close! Thank you."

Over 2 Years In Charge, Here’s What Trump Has Accomplished.

Rachel Mad-doe reporting Trump’s list of achievements throughout his years as Purr-resident. Rachel starts off the list with actual accomplishments before going off on faults the Purr-resident stumbles on including his trade wars hurting farmers and the taxpayers and his friendliness with foreign dictators.
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By Rachel Mad-doe
Mon May 27 2019
The Purr-resident touching a ball that he deems as mystical.
The Purr-resident touching a ball that he deems as mystical.

Exclusive First Draft Redacted Report Obtained!

While the official redacted report has been released for a while now, the Meow York Times has obtained from an anonymous source the first 2 pages of an unreleased first draft of redactions by the Attorney General. Apparently, the Attorney General wanted to release this version but was stopped by his staff.
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By Rachel Mad-doe
Thu May 16 2019
An anonymous source leaked the first draft document to the Meow York Times where it contained more redactions than ever before.
An anonymous source leaked the first draft document to the Meow York Times where it contained more redactions than ever before.
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